Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Tell-Tale Bottom

It's funny when you move in with someone.  Suddenly you feel like you have to be on your best behavior all the time.  Even though you feel comfortable and confident around this person, you still feel like you have to put on your best show for them.

And then one day, you relax.  Your secret single behavior that you've been harbouring quietly pulls up anchor and floats up right between you and him.

You know what it's like (ok, well, if you've ever moved in with a boy, you know what it's like).  I moved in with the boy back in December.  I held my ladylike fa├žade for as long as I could - and he was impressed!  I was dainty, polite, neat, tidy...I looked and smelled pretty.

Before I go much further, let me admit the horror to you - I, along with several of my family members, suffer from terrible, wretched flatulence.  Like, clear the room kind of flatulence.  And we're unclassy about it because we all think it's funny.  We're all grown adults who still laugh at farts.  That's right.  We're a bunch of five year olds giggling as the noises and smells coming from our posteriors.

So.  I finally relaxed.  And the rumbling started.  From my tummy to my tush, I couldn't keep it in any longer.  I mean, how many bellyaches did I have to endure?  Like Shrek says, "Better out than in, Donkey!"  That really is my firm belief.

The first few time I feigned such surprise that I could make such a noise.  Luckily, they were just an auditory offence, his olfactory senses were not affronted.  But soon he caught on. 

"I was not prepared for your farting," he said with such disappointment.

I giggled.

"Baby, you have no idea...."

It's only been about 4 months or so, and he still hasn't experience the full wrath of what could happen when I eat what I shouldn't eat.   Lucky for him. 

I wonder how long I can keep this up?  My sister seems to have accustomed her husband to the toils of tummy turbulence...though I suspect it's something he begrudgingly lives with...perhaps I'll ask her advice. She might say that when it gets too bad she just gasses him via a dutch oven until he passes out and then he can't complain. 

Or she might just say she open the windows.  Who knows.

The good news is that now he sometimes snickers at me when one pops out.  He's coming around.  One day he'll love me for my farts, I just know it.

Friday, September 7, 2012

You Know What Grinds My Gears???

What ever happened to the courtesy wave from drivers?  Am I suddenly of the age when I look back with nostalgia at better times, remembering the kind, pleasant ways of my neighbours and fellow citizens?

I don’t think I am in that age range yet where my heart sighs with memory.  But I really don’t understand when the simple ‘thank you’ gesture from one driver to another disappeared.  I could take a guess and say it’s a generation thing, young drivers don’t know this signal, but I promise you, it’s not just young people who aren’t waving.  Many people in my generation and above seem to have forgotten it too.

Growing up we were a travelling family.  Not like a traveling circus family, but just a family who happened to take a lot of road trips.  My parents were courteous drivers; I am proud of the fact that I learned many excellent driving skills from them.  Particularly the friendly wave.  (Perhaps I’ll tell you about the driving with a lead foot skill another time…)

Now, maybe it’s a small town thing.  Small town folks smile and wave at each other all the time.  It’s like we are on happy pills and are thrilled to see other people or something.  Imagine driving those back country roads, chugging along peacefully in the remote infrastructure of Bruce County when lo and behold!  Another driver!  Hallelujah!  We MUST smile and wave at them as they drive by.

No, I don’t think that is it.  My mom grew up in the city, and I spent most of my youth in the city, and my mom was a wavin’ driver then.  So extremely happy small town people is irrelevant to my concern.

I currently live in a reasonable neighbourhood in a reasonable mid-sized city.  My street is wide enough for street parking on one side.  Often times you have to pull to the side while the oncoming car drives around the parked car.  This is a classic moment of when the Thank You wave would come into play.  I’d guess that 9 times out of 10 there is no Thank You wave.  It’s a little disappointing.  I like to give the friendly wave, sometimes it’s met with a nod, though most times the driver just stares on ahead like my car and I don’t even exist.  We don’t even factor in as another player on the road.

It just grinds my gears.  Literally.  I take my foot off the clutch and jam the stick shift into second just to hear the crunch and squeal to make the oncoming, non-waving, zoned-out driver pay attention to me.

Kidding, kidding.  No one likes doing that.  Not even in aggressive road rage situations.

But really.  Let’s all take a moment and think of a few years ago when friendliness happened on the roadways all the time.  Wasn’t it nice?  Didn’t it make you feel nice?  I bet it did. 

So what’s the solution?  Maybe if I just keep smiling and waving others will get the point.  Or maybe I’ll grind my gears at people.  We’ll see.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Simple Pleasures

Last night when I was driving home from an evening out with one of my girlfriends, I was blessed with a glorious view of the moon.  It was a sliver of a crescent moon, dusted with gold and shades of early autumn, sunk low in the sky making it larger than life.

Moments such as that remind me that when life seems to be slipping through your hands there is always something to be thankful for.  Just when you think that you can't handle anything else, the beauty of nature steps up to say a graceful hello and brings a smile to your face.

Morning dew on flowers, an afternoon ripple in the river, or the twinkling blanket of stars above, all you have to do is open your eyes to the world around you for the daily reminder that life is better than you think.

*Moments such as these also make me wish I had a stellar camera handy! :)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Peace Out, Grandma, Peace Out

Two of the most wonderful people in my life are my grandparents.  I know, I know, everyone loves their grandparents - homemade cookies, hugs, cards with money in them, and lots of love.  But mine are different.  They really stepped up to bat and played a big part in my life. 

Some people only see their grandparents at Christmas and family events.  When I was a kid, it was common to see my grandparents at least once a week.  That's how much they enjoyed my company.  Or something of that sort.  It had nothing to do with the fact that we lived close to each other, my mom was a single mother for the most part, and we were their only grandchildren.  Nope.  It was because they liked to have me around them.  Ok fine, and my brother and my sister and my mom too.

It is with a very heavy heart that I will share with you that this terrific duo has been reduced to an uno.  My dear grandma woke up the other week and decided she'd had her fill of this world.  A few last words to grandpa, one big breath and she made her way to the other side.  I'm hoping that on the other side she has regained her wits and her Alzhiemer's has been left on this side.  I'd like to think that she can look after us all now, from her spot in Heaven, and not have to wonder who she is peering at.

My grandma taught me a lot of good things.  Some are trivial, some are ethical, and some are just plain ol' common sense.

1.  It's ok to be snooty.  Why hide it and feel awkward?  Being snooty makes you feel good.
2.  A cup of the old Rosie Lee will fix anything (that's Cockney for tea, for those who don't know).
3.  That using terms of endearment towards the ones you love really warms their hearts.  She used to call me Pet, Lover and Sugarbush.  Sugarbush is my favourite, sometimes I call my niece Olivia that :)
4.  It's important to be presentable, as you never know who is looking.  A clean shirt, tidy hair, and a smile go a long way.
5.  If it's not gold, it's not worth it.  Enough said.
6.  If you can't say anything nice at all...tell someone else behind closed doors.  HA!!!  Grandma was famous for that one!
7.  Be sure to keep those who mean the most to you nearby, you never know when you'll need them or when they will need you.
8.  Always have cookies on hand - they go perfectly with the Rosie Lee.
9.  Spending a little more money on something for better quality just makes sense.
Last, but not least...
10. "You've got a tongue in your head, use it."  Be proud of who you are, stand up for yourself and what you believe in and don't let others take advantage of you.  If you can't speak up for yourself, you can't expect someone else too.

The best Grandparents on the planet!

Oh Grandma, you're the best Grandma I could have ever asked for.  I'm lucky to have had you in my life for 32 years.  Sure hope you're enjoying Heaven.  Remember, you can find your sisters up there and gossip all you want, but try not to trashtalk Jesus.  He's not up for that kind of stuff.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Milk and Honey

It has recently come to my attention that my apartment is somewhat 'cluttered.'  Defiantly, I say that my apartment is so tiny the only way it could look is cluttered.  Storage space does not exist.  My attempts at making my own storage space only adds to the clutter.  Tall shelving units with prettily patterned boxes contain this, that, and other, but are still a distraction to the eye.

In all of my random bibs and bobs, I've acquired something new.  A boyfriend.  I know, I know, it's quite exciting.  This new boyfriend has a house all to himself.  A house with cupboards, closets, drawers...reasonable places for reasonable (and unreasonable) items.  His house is clutter free.  We spend most of our time at his house, spacious as it is.

The boy is so clutter free, even his kitchen cabinets and fridge are sparce.  Imagine my chagrin on a Sunday morning when all I want is a decent cup of tea and there is no milk in the fridge, no sugar in the bowl.  Bless his sweet soul, he bought me Earl Grey tea, which I can happily manage without the milk and sugar.  Being that he is not a tea drinker, he failed to notice the label that said "Decaffinated."  So I packed up a little bag of Tetley and stashed it in his cupboard.  Tetley is my go-to tea.  I've been drinking it since the wee age of 3, when my grandma would make a milky cup just for me.  Tetley without milk is unfathomable to me.

He always apologizes profusely for the lack of milk.  I tell him it's ok, as I groggily stumble to the couch and daydream of caffine. 

I have to wonder at his shopping plan.  Without fail, Sunday is his shopping day.  He's usually out of food by Friday.  My shopping days are sporatically placed, as I zip over to the grocery store when I can and as needed.  My fridge never has a lack of milk, my sugar bowl is not empty. 

In fact, my fridge has items that can be thrown together to make a meal, at pretty much all times.  It may not be the most amazing meal of your life, but a meal I can make.

The cluttered conversation comes up - he says he does not like clutter, I defend my teeny apartment brimming to the ceiling. 

He says "Even your fridge is cluttered!!"

*silence ensues with a death stare*

I say "It's called I have food."

*no comment from the boyfriend*

 Clutter may be a visual distraction, clutter may be a little too much of hanging onto things.  But clutter in the fridge keeps me happy.  And if I may, my fridge is organized in a tidy can find most things in just a moment.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Book It

According to my list, I read 15 books last year. I won't say that is impressive because I know there are many who read much faster than I. However, I will say that in review of the list, it was a delightful selection which I thoroughly enjoyed most of - which is impressive. I even had a few surprises in there that I was not expecting to like so much. A couple disappointers, but it was bound to happen, right?

Fingers crossed that my selections this year are just as worthy. I've started with Book of Negroes. If you haven't picked it up, you need to. Amazing book. I don't usually go on so much about a book, but this one deserves the praise it gets! That Heather, whoever she is, she has some good picks.

I'm a little neurotic about finishing what I start, even when I don't like it. There was one that has recieved immense buzz (guess which one!!!) and everyone loves it. Well...I thought it was a little lacking. Limited character development, not enough attention to creating a visualization of the setting and characters for the reader, and mediocre writing style. I can see how it would make for an amazing movie, but for a reader like me...not so much. I was lent the book, along with the second in the series. So of course I feel obliged to read the second. Even though I am sure I won't enjoy it. But it's like there is an imaginary person holding a gun to my head saying 'read this book or I'll shoot.' Actually, it's more like 'read this book or you'll be immensely curious forever to know what the book was about since it's sitting on your bookshelf right now and if you just give it back you'll be annoyed with yourself that you didn't read it. Even though you know you won't be thrilled by it.' Or something to that effect. You know what I mean, right??

So I've started off the year with a bang of the book, I'll dip to a mediocre one, and then hopefully I'll swing back up to the good stuff!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

A Year in Review

To Number 1:

Thank you for reintroducing myself to myself. I had forgotten. Also, thank you for introducing me to Malbec wines.

To Number 2:

Thank you for reminding me of simple activities that can bring me inner peace. I had been missin' that fishin'.

To Number 3:

Thank you for letting me be me. And for teaching me the trick to napping. I am now a napping whore who naps on the weekends all the time. It's delightful.

Fingers crossed that next year there is only a Number 1. And that I will not be inspired to write a silly little year in review to remind myself that more than 1 is ok, even if it's not ideal.

I meant for this to sound nice, not annoyed. I think I diverted from my intent.