I would like to say that I am growing by leaps and bounds. I would like to say that every day I am moving in a new direction.
I would like to say a lot of things, but I cannot tell a lie.
No. Today I realized something. Faced with panic and over-awareness , I rushed myself to end the frantic pace I was running. Or rather, that I was walking very fast on -- on the treadmill.
Today I went to the gym. The co-ed gym. I have been a regular gym goer for quite some time now, but I strictly have attended the ladies only gym. Me and the ladies, breaking out a sweat, minding our own business, worries cast aside (mostly). I have purposely avoided the co-ed gym for many a month because, well, I am afraid of the co-ed gym.
Yes, that is right. Afraid.
I am quite positive it has something to do with my neurotic fear of the male kind. (Have I not mentioned this before!?!? Where have you been??)
From the moment I got out of my car, my pulse started to race. My new apartment is so utterly close to this new, shiny gym that I thought hey, why not? Now my beloved ladies gym is all the way on the other side of town. And this one, well...it's so close. You see my logic.
Where was I? Or yeah, racing pulse. I opened the door to the mega gym of sweaty men and women -- the endless rows of cardio machines drumming out my heartrate with every footfall of every person. Eek. It was a bit much.
My nerves were trying to take over and make me turn around. But I persevered. (You should be proud.) I changed into my gym clothes, I filled my water bottle and I stepped on the treadmill. I tried to refrain from looking around but everywhere I looked, there they were. Men in stretchy shorts and damp tshirts. Walking around like kings (oh wait, is that any different than usual?) I became aware of my own attire -- an older tshirt, black cotton pants that were mildly too short (stupid dryer). I saw the other ladies looking all confident in their Lulu Lemons. Way out of my budget but I desperately wished they weren't. Hmmm...oh confidence. I know you are in there somewhere.
I tried to occupy my mind. I wonder how much energy could be generated by these people on the treadmills? Enough to power the building? The city block? Or just my cell phone?
Ok. I felt like enough time had ticked by. My typical route would have been to go on the weight machine circuit. Pump some iron and all. The panic in my throat was catching my breath, and I found myself making a beeline for the change room (this is where you start to be disappointed in me.) I quickly changed and scooted out the door into the pouring rain. Sigh. Life was so much better out here!
I don't know. The ladies gym is just so...safe. I'm chicken, what can I say? I'm afraid of the big bad co-ed gym.