Who me?

He said I looked like Carrie Underwood's twin.

I don't know about that, but it sure made me feel pretty!!

Thanks, Mister, whoever you are.

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Gym?

I would like to say that I am growing by leaps and bounds. I would like to say that every day I am moving in a new direction.

I would like to say a lot of things, but I cannot tell a lie.

No. Today I realized something. Faced with panic and over-awareness , I rushed myself to end the frantic pace I was running. Or rather, that I was walking very fast on -- on the treadmill.

Today I went to the gym. The co-ed gym. I have been a regular gym goer for quite some time now, but I strictly have attended the ladies only gym. Me and the ladies, breaking out a sweat, minding our own business, worries cast aside (mostly). I have purposely avoided the co-ed gym for many a month because, well, I am afraid of the co-ed gym.

Yes, that is right. Afraid.

I am quite positive it has something to do with my neurotic fear of the male kind. (Have I not mentioned this before!?!? Where have you been??)

From the moment I got out of my car, my pulse started to race. My new apartment is so utterly close to this new, shiny gym that I thought hey, why not? Now my beloved ladies gym is all the way on the other side of town. And this one, well...it's so close. You see my logic.

Where was I? Or yeah, racing pulse. I opened the door to the mega gym of sweaty men and women -- the endless rows of cardio machines drumming out my heartrate with every footfall of every person. Eek. It was a bit much.

My nerves were trying to take over and make me turn around. But I persevered. (You should be proud.) I changed into my gym clothes, I filled my water bottle and I stepped on the treadmill. I tried to refrain from looking around but everywhere I looked, there they were. Men in stretchy shorts and damp tshirts. Walking around like kings (oh wait, is that any different than usual?) I became aware of my own attire -- an older tshirt, black cotton pants that were mildly too short (stupid dryer). I saw the other ladies looking all confident in their Lulu Lemons. Way out of my budget but I desperately wished they weren't. Hmmm...oh confidence. I know you are in there somewhere.

I tried to occupy my mind. I wonder how much energy could be generated by these people on the treadmills? Enough to power the building? The city block? Or just my cell phone?

Ok. I felt like enough time had ticked by. My typical route would have been to go on the weight machine circuit. Pump some iron and all. The panic in my throat was catching my breath, and I found myself making a beeline for the change room (this is where you start to be disappointed in me.) I quickly changed and scooted out the door into the pouring rain. Sigh. Life was so much better out here!

I don't know. The ladies gym is just so...safe. I'm chicken, what can I say? I'm afraid of the big bad co-ed gym.

Movin' on and movin' up

Moving. Relocate. Transplant.

In just a matter of days I am shimmying myself back to independence! What has felt like clipped wings are free and full again, ready to fly.

*To be honest, I clipped my own wings. It was no one's fault by my own. Shame, shame, for shame.

November 1 the sweet and quaint apartment is mine. November 6 will see my delightful belongings on display exactly how I want them. They have been boxed up for two years. TWO YEARS!!! My serving tray has been doomed to the gloom of a box. My artwork carefully wrapped up and packed up. My scrapbooks full of happy memories have been ushered to silence. And I...well I have been biding my time. I feel the return of all of me is on it's way!!

This is merely procrastination

Guess who doesn't want to do anymore homework today? This kid, that's who.

Instead of diligently reading my book on the quality of life, I will tell you about my assessment of my own quality of life. We have to create little activities for ourselves throughout the book to help us understand the context better. Genius, I tell you. I totally get it now. (HA.)

The topic of behaviour patterns is examined in this book, so I decided to look at patterns, habits and behaviours I have implemented into my own life. And do you know what it made me realise??

I am kind of a geek.

Yup. That's right. The habits I have changed/developed/scrapped/etc/etc over the past few years have not been drastic or fun or really even blog worthy (yet here I am blogging about them.)

This is me in a nut shell.

In 2003 I decided no more red meat for me. I'll go with chicken. And pork -- the other white meat!

In 2004 I decided I was no longer going to watch TV after 10pm. Still stickin' to that plan.

In 2005 I decided that I was going start having a morning coffee at 10am. Yes, specifically 10am. It took about two months for the extra caffeine in my system to adjust and not affect my sleep. From here stemmed the "no caffeine after lunch time" rule, because it would keep me awake at night.

In 2006 I realized that dairy and I were not friends. I stopped eating yogurt and ice cream. I still dabble in cheese and lactose free milk.

In 2007 I decided to ban myself from the mall. HA! Like that one stuck!!!

In 2008 I decided to join the gym. I stuck to it for almost a whole year! Then I moved to the town with a crappy very expensive gym.

In 2009 I decided to ban myself from the mall again. No such luck.

In 2010 I joined the gym again. And cut out tomatoes. Those red little morsels are good for my soul, bad for my stomach.

Look at that list. Sigh. I am not cool, am I? Or, as my friend Laurie says to me "Wow. You live with a really mean lady!" I am just too strict for my own good. How is this impacting my quality of life???????? Actually....pretty damn well ;) I am a happy lady, albeit, a boring one.

Well, I wrote this faster than I planned. Guess it's back to reading homework....I hope you can think of exciting things you implemented in your life!

A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

I have to admit it. After my last post all heartfelt and concerned for the authors of the bargain section at the bookstore, I betrayed those hardworking writers.

I went to Chapter's today to stroll around (actually went to find a specific kind of book, they had three on the topic, do you think I found any of them???) and found myself in the Bargain Books section. Ah ha! I could purchase myself a thrifty $4.99 book and support some random author I've never heard of. I browsed the shelves, I picked up a few books and read the back or the inner jackets. A few sounded good. But alas, my bladder was full and I need to find the ladies room. I had every intent of returning to the Bargain Books section to decide on a book to purchase. (I've recently banned myself from shopping at Winner's/Homesense and the mall, so I need somewhere to spend my money!!)

I was derailed at the humour section. There I saw it. Are you there, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. The book I've been wanting to read for many a month. I even attempted to locate it at the library, but it was always on loan to some other person who undoubtedly was splitting their sides at that very moment reading her prose.

Sigh. The internal conversation began. Do I buy it? Do I put it down? What about my new plan for the Bargain Books? Should I just shun them because I haven't heard a word about them? Do I want to toss all of my values aside for sake of humour????

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I peed. I purchased. I am about to read. I am a hypocrite.

(Bah, oh well, what can you expect?? Next time, next time I swear I'll go with the original plan.)

In the name of the written word

The past few times I have found myself at a Chapter's (because really, what other bookstore do I go to? Do I support the small independent bookstores? No...I'm a jerk!), a thought keeps occurring to me in the Bargain Books section.

Imagine how those authors who poured their heart and souls into their novels must feel to know their book is on clearance for $5.99.

Disappointment, self loathing, deflation, broken hearted. At least, that is how I would feel. I've always fancied that one day I'll write up a terrific book and it will have rave reviews and fan fare and all that joyous momentum. (Still haven't really figured out just what I'd write about. Let me tell you, though, it would be darn funny and what I call "exaggerated non-fiction." Don't worry, I won't mention you by your REAL name though...)

To my fellow book lovers, I have a challenge. Let's toss aside the latest and the greatest, the Giller Prizes and adorned authors. Let's seriously browse the Bargain Books section and find a treasure or two at discounted prices, and vindicate an author's blood, sweat and tears. Let's toss aside our library cards that we got in order to help us save money by not buying books and spend $5.99!! We can do it!!

(And then tell me what new author you've found and if they are worthwhile reading.)

Is it wrong I think this is funny? Not according to this mom.

As a non-parent, I often wonder how they do it. How do parents--particularly those of young children--get through the day without laughing so blatantly at their children? Once a child myself, I can admit to having participated in some spectacular events which would have caused the entire world to point and laugh, had they but known.

I was shopping at the Sprawl-Mart a while back, casually perusing the dairy aisle. A mother with her two young children were hastily making their way past me. The boy looked like he was maybe four, while the girl who was safely tucked in the shopping cart seat, was about two. I was just putting some cheese into my basket when "WHACK!!" the boy had run face first into the mirrored pole!!!

Every bone in my body wanted to laugh at this, but social decency prevented me from anything but kindness. I looked at the mom who was now standing beside me. She was silent. She turned her head slowly towards me, hiding her face from her childen.

Her face was a mirrored image of what I was harbouring inside. She was doing her best to contain herself.

"Is that not the funniest thing you've ever seen!?!?!" She whispered to me.

I stiffled a giggle and muttered "Yes. Yes it was."

We both took a deep breath and looked back up. She put on her mom face and rushed to her boy, who had yet to cry. He was stunned. After the quick mom assessment, he was deemed ok, and we continued on our shopping way.

I was relieved that she also found this funny. It's nice to know that I won't be the only parent who is terribly amused by clumsy children.

A welcoming tale of veggie wars

What to say, what to say? I have kicked around a few ideas in my head, but I feel my comeback should be glorious, it should be a display of shining quirky humour. Something that makes us both sigh, giggle, and feel the tension lift from our shoulders over the sheer ridiculousness of what I have to say.

I thought of updating you with my life. New city, new job, new new new. Nah...

I could tell you that I am grossed out by the fruit flies who are maxin' and relaxin' in my garbage bin under my desk. Nah...

Or I could tell you about one fateful night in April when my life flashed before my eyes. Yes!!!

Picture it, Sicily, 1923...oh wait, that's Sophia's intro to stories, not mine.

Picture it, Ontario, 2010...This kid right here took a house sitting gig for the month of April. Freedom, space, independence and the grocery list were mine all mine. I savoured every moment I possibly could.

The tragedy I am referring to involves a knife, a sweet potato and my left hand. I was skillfully preparing my dinner, had just finished peeling the sweet potato and was forcing the knife down the length of the sweet potato when it spitefully resisted my attempt. My dear hand slid down the tip of the knife, splitting open the side of my hand.

Shock took over. I stood still for a moment, eyes wide open, staring at the blood pooling on the counter. Visions of Grey's Anatomy flashed through my mind, and I quickly determined I needed to move -STAT! Bandage this gusher up!!

I dashed to the washroom, cleaned 'er up a bit and with deep breathes, I examined my gaping wound. It was an inch across, and guts were popping out of it. (Yup, my professional medical terminology says our hands have guts). I swallowed back the little bit of barf that had risen in my throat. I slathered on some antiseptic cream and bandaids galore. Upon exiting the bathroom my panic began to rise again. Suddenly I was dizzy...I reached out for the wall. Holy crap, I couldn't see!!!!

On my hands and knees I made my way to the living room. I spread out on the floor, legs raised on the couch. Slowly my vision came back.

**Let me interrupt here. I just feel the need to tell you that this is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me, medically speaking. The best (worst?) I've got otherwise is a splinter in my heel. Hence, I was lost on the proper emergency etiquette to help myself.**

I lay still on the floor. Do I go to the emergency room for stitches? Clearly I needed stitches, I mean the GUTS OF MY HAND were popping out! As most people would do nowadays, I consulted the internet. Hmmm....hospital's website, not that handy. Time to call TeleHealth.

The delightful and thorough nurse I spoke with for about 10 minutes determined that I needed to get stitches. After detailing my gash in every way possible, it was her "recommendation."

I hung up the phone. My breathing became faint again. Heavens have mercy! I needed to calm down! I sat on the couch, my vision clouding again (son of a gun, how do these blind folks get on in their daily lives? Bless their souls.). Several minutes after it returned, I made my way to the bathroom mirror for a pep talk.

"I am ok. I can drive to the hospital. I am not going to bleed to death. I am not afraid of stitches..."

Feeling puffed up with positive thoughts I gathered my purse and made my way to the emergency room.

The Triage nurse was a little younger than me and open to the bad jokes I made about vegetable battles. She laughed, examined my wound and wrapped my hand endlessly in gauze. "Yup, you'll get some stitches for that!"

Crap. But really, it was what I was expecting.

I waiting for two hours to see the doctor. Two hours. Not so bad. Until I tell you there was only one other person in the waiting room. Ah, my tax dollars do a good job!

Finally, I am in an examination room. A little sweat on my brow, but I kept telling myself it's no big deal. I don't have to watch the wee little needle as it pokes and pulls at my flesh, weaving thread back and forth to close me up.

The doctor comes in.

Him: "So, what do we have here?"

Me: "Well I lost a fight with a sweet potato."

Him: (Who did not think that was amusing) "Hmmm..."

He unbandaged my hand. He pokes at my cut, ignoring the possibility that it might actually hurt me. He sighs.

Me: "I called TeleHealth and they said I should come for stitches. I think it's kind of deep. What is that that is popping out of my cut?"

Him: "That's fat."

(I gagged a little. Ew.) He looks at my hand again, and honestly, he flared his nostrils at me.

Him: "I'll get you a bandaid."

Me: "I don't need stitches??"

Him: "Uh, no."

Clearly he is not impressed. In less than five minutes he puts a bandaid on my hand and sends me on my way. Hmmph. He so did not understand the trauma I just went through.

Anywho, I decided to recreate this event and document it. An orange was used in the place of the sweet potato, but this does not remove it's credibility as a recount of events.

There I am, preparing my meal.

(Note I used a plastic knife this time, to ensure that I did not actually cut myself again.)

Son of B!!! I've sliced myself open!!

(It felt more dramatic to cut my wrist...I just love the theatrics!)

Ah man, there is blood all over the place!!

(Don't worry, it's just ketchup!)

Passed out cold.

Now folks, no need to worry. Obviously I am ok now. I have survived this horrific moment in my life and moved on. Though my scar will forever remind me of that fateful night...

Back in Black

Ok. The time has come. I miss blogging, I am lacking inspiration, but I am determined to find it.

Please stay tuned in! I will make a glorious comeback in the very near future.

In the meantime, can I interest you in this fellow I came across today?? HILARIOUS!!!