Plenty of....ummm....eek.

These online dating sites seem to have taught me a few things.

1. Guys really don't get my sense of humour. Rather, they misunderstand my sarcasm and take offence and do not speak with me further. I say suck it up buttercup!!! I was kidding! Sheesh....and yet they crack jokes and expect it should not be an issue for me. Which it's not. I like jokes. The giving and the getting. What babies. (hahah!)

2. Those black men sure don't hold back on the compliments! Woo woo, talk about boosting your self esteem when you get a flood of messages from fine black men telling you that you are beautiful! Made me blush a little, tee hee....

3. That online dating is not for me. I actually agreed to meet one guy, who was nice and all, but he just wasn't for me. We had a drink, some conversation, and parted ways, no hard feelings. I'm quite sure he had similar feeling towards me. I'm not sure what got into me that day when I agreed to meet him, but I'm glad that I did. I felt good about stepping outside of my little box and doing something I usually would not do. As for meeting people otherwise, or even giving them my msn and really, telling them anything very personal, flags go flying about in my brain, STRANGER DANGER!!!!!! I guess it turns out that I am not interested in meeting perfect strangers after a brief encounter online. Carrying on conversations with guys for an extended period seems to bore guys, however, I am not game to meet up after chatting once or twice. I guess I have more patience. Or more caution, anyways, lol!! I'm not sure.

I think I'll try my luck elsewhere....yikes!

Oh right. And number 4. I have also learned that there are quite a few men in their 40's who think I should date them. I say....no thank you, sir. Have a nice day.

Handle with care

I had to think about a handle. Not about my little love handles. Not about the fact that I need to get a handle on my life. Nooooo....but a screen name, a user id, a "handle" that other users would know me by.

Oy.

I mean, I consider myself a fairly creative person and all, but I was stumped. Not only did I have to do that, but then I had to come up with a line, a pick up line, if you will, to pose to all the viewers out there.

That's right. A pick up line. I signed up on not one, but TWO online internet dating sites. (Ahem, the free ones....) All in the name of humour, really. What can it hurt? I might end up with some comedic conversation, and now I have an outlet to practise flirting.

Within moments of registering myself, I had messages popping up on my screen. Men who wanted to chat with me. They were sending me emails. They were winking at me.

I'm not going to lie to you. I was scared!!! I didn't know what to do!!!!!

So I shut my computer off.

And then I turned it back on. And logged in again.

I looked at the emails again, read the profiles of these potential courters. Some of them made me groan with the "eek, are you kidding me!?!?" while others made me laugh. I'd like to point out that not one made me feel giddy. Not that I was expecting to, but still, I just want you to know. I even answered to one, just for the hell of it.

On one site, I wrote my line as "This fish wants a bicycle" (yup, compliments to Heather over at This Fish). I'm just waiting for someone to clue into what I mean. It clearly does not mean I want to go fishing, as one gentleman was mistaken in thinking. Honestly. Women's lib? Anyone? Gloria Steinem? Irina Dunn?? C'mon......

Yeesh, how would Gloria and Irina feel about online dating sites? Oh dear, maybe I should unregister myself and throw the notion of a bicycle out the window.

The Gist of the Conversation

As msn'd earlier this week......

Me: Yeah, it's messed...growing up

Simon: Yeah, I think I want to change things

Me: Like what?

Simon: I want to go back to school or something.

Me: REALLY???

Simon: I'm going to sell out of the company so I can do that.

Me: Are you kidding??

Simon: No, for real.

Me: Hmmm.....and what do you want to go to school for?

Simon: Environmental Management

Me: That's pretty cool.

Simon: I could apply to school anywhere....Here in Australia, or New Zealand, the UK...

Me: AND CANADA

(As I search for the York and U of T post grad websites to send him the links)

Simon: I could, lol!

Me: Ha. Ha. Ha. So selling out, eh??

Simon: Yeah, I don't want to be tied down

Me: TIED DOWN!?!?!?!? Does this mean you are NOT going to marry me after all!?!?!?!?

Simon: Geographically, Melissa, geographically....

(Breathe a sigh of relief)

Simon: So would you ever live in New Zealand????

• I'm pretty sure that meant he is going to propose to me. Any day now. I've finally worn him down. Thank heavens.

Can it be? He's prettier than me?

You know those guys who are just so pretty, they could make you cry?

(So pretty, they could also make you do things you normally wouldn't do in public places?)

Last night I saw the prettiest boy in the world. Sophie talked to him. I just stared at him and smiled.

He is a friend to our friend Laura. Laura has moved away to BC, and from the few times we've met him before Laura left, Sophie got to know him a bit more, and can call him her friend now. I, on the other hand, suffer from that embarrassing disease where I can't think of anything but awkward comments to say to guys, which forces me to walk away with that shocked look on my face, my hand on my forehead, and muttering to myself "I can't believe I said that". (Much like Baby when she said "I carried a watermelon".) (This is also why I'm single.) Hence, he is not my friend. Though I have been in on hilarious conversations between him and Sophie in the past. And by this, I mean I have stood with them with a drink in hand while they chat.

But back to my point.

He. Is. The. Prettiest. Boy. In. The. World.

If it wasn't creepy, I'd take his picture and post it up here. But I think you all agree....creeeeepy.

He's got that slim, lean physique that makes a girl like me fall over. Though he's short. Very chatty. (Not particularly chatty to me though. Damn.) I think he's only a year younger than I am (if I can recall the night when I DID speak to him, and demanded to see his ID because I didn't believe him when he told me this. I thought he was a lot younger. Yes, we were drunk.), which is totally ok for dating. Hahaha.

Oh my goodness, I can't stop thinking about how pretty he is. Seriously, if you saw him too....you'd agree.

Scrap that

I like to tell stories. I like to make people laugh. I like to dig into my tickle trunk and pull out random funnies just for the hell of it.

Here goes. (I hope you laugh. Without my gesticulations and such, I'm sure it's not as good a story as I like to think.)

One fine evening in December 2002, my friend Mary Jane and I were strolling along the streets of Brisbane's downtown. (Ok, we were staggering. We were bar hopping.) We ran into our friend Simon, who had just left his Christmas party. He's pretty swank, so he was all suited up in a tux. He was also incredibly drunk~much more drunk than MJ or I. We caroused to a couple more bars, indulged in a few more beers. It was a nice time.

George St. is the home to some scrap metal kangaroos. Less than a block away is a pub whose name fails to be remembered by me. (Do you see where I am going here?) We had some beers there, got hungry and went on a search for some street meat. Luckily, there was a vendor nearby. Unlucky for the kangaroo, we ended up right next to him.

I will never be able to forget what happened next. Simon crouched down in his tux, pet the kangaroo, and started to feed him his hotdog. After a moment, Simon thought better of this. He took a few more bites, finished the hotdog, but had some bun left over. He placed the rest of the bun in the kangaroo's hand.

Now, Simon is not the first to do this. It is no big surprise to find on a Saturday or Sunday morning any of these scrapmetal kangaroos holding pieces of food or wrappers. Sometimes there are bits hanging out of their mouths.

Mostly funny, but a little upsetting for the guy who made them. Maybe. Hopefully he thinks it's funny too ;)

Your Local Concession Stand

You should think that I sell Kit Kats and Reese's Peanut Buttercups with this latest concession I am about to make. It's like people can just walk up to me and say "I want this, and you will do that to let me have it." I willingly say ok.

Ok, maybe not always willingly. But I usually end up doing so. I am just too nice. I don't like to fight about it, I don't like to make a scene. I just want it all to pass and for life to return to peace. And if that means I have to shrug my shoulders and say an emphatic "meh" and roll my eyes, I will.

Sometimes I hate myself for it. Sometimes I scream in my head "Are you kidding!?!?! Take a stand!!!" Sometimes I throw things on the floor to express my anger. (Ironically, after I do that I laugh at myself and I'm not so mad anymore.)

And oh, there will be a concession coming up. But he's going to have to suffer and wait for it. This time.....my concession stand is not operating on full hours.

I mean I said I do!!!

My funny friend Simon, who lives in Australia, has just taken a whirlwind trip around Europe and stopped in Canada. Much to my disappointment, he went to BC, rather than Ontario. So during this time that he was closer to my time zone, we chatted a lot on msn. (Well, he wasted his spare time talking to me on msn on his cell phone...he didn't waste his trip time on a computer, no worries!)

He has not lost his funny nature since I saw him last in 2003. He has also not lost his incredibly flirty nature. While I was living in Australia, one could say we were more than just friends. And every time we chat, he likes to bring it up. Man...I am sooooooo irresistible! Hahaha!!!! Just kidding!

These past few days chatting to him on a regular basis has been very nice, and very funny. He's a pretty cool guy. The gist of every conversation generally starts out rather "what is new with you" and evolves to him reminiscing of the first time we met~he came into our backyard, I was in the pool in my bikini. But it's always pretty funny for me to read what he says, and a bit of an ego booster :)

But back to this time around. He was joking around about moving to the outback and having a veggie patch and a cow and singing songs on the front porch--all he needs is a wife to sing along with him....

Me: Well Simon, I'll find you a wife and ship her over then.

Simon: Sounds good...

Me: You might have to pay for her flight though.

Simon: It would be worth it!!

Me: If that is the case, I'll call my travel agent and book myself a flight for next week :)

Simon: Excellent!

Me: Actually, let's revise this plan. We should do it the right way. You send me a ring in the mail, I'll start composing my acceptance letter now, and Fed-Ex it back to you asap!!

Simon: Hahaha....sounds like a deal. You'll be worth every penny. So is this like a mail order bride situation?

Me: I suppose. But don't tell your mom that. She might think less of me.

Simon: Can you put on a Russian accent?

Me: Uhhhhh....not very well, but my Latino accent is quite glorious.

Simon: Fabulous. A latin lover.

Melissa: Yup. Now, I just want you to know, I don't need a big rock or anything, but you can't cheap out on the gold.

Simon: I'll keep that in mind.

Melissa: When are you flying out? How much time do you have left?

Simon: I leave at 6pm. I have like 7 hours. Why?

Melissa: 7 hours is plenty of time to get me a ring. Go to the jewellery store now so we can get this done sooner!!!

Simon: Hahaha!! You are hilarious!!

Melissa: No. I'm serious. I'll say I do!! What part of this don't you understand??

Simon: Do you still have that blue bikini??

Melissa: I'm not kidding if you are not kidding.

Simon: Melissa....do you still have that blue bikini??????????

Ahhhh....international marriage proposals. Even if I coerced him into it, I think it still counts. He is in New Zealand today visiting his mum, and goes back to Brisbane tonight. Uhhh...actually, with the time difference, I think he might be on the plane home right now. His first stop better be at a jewellery store. Cause when I said I would say yes, I meant it.....lol!! I'm not a girl to go back on her word. If all goes according to plan, I'll be Mrs. Melissa Mason in just a few short weeks. (Jon....I'll miss you. But first come, first serve!!)

The Curse of Women

Some people might think that "The Curse" that the female population experiences has something to do with a biological clock.

I would like to argue this point, and say NO, the curse is not a monthly situation. The monthly situation is merely a fact of life. Instead, the curse that many of us face is an overwhelming experience of emotions. ALL THE TIME. And these emotions can range from the negative to the positive, in all aspects of life.

Case in point:

Prior Blog about the bitter bus. Did I really need to get so worked up about those things that I was a miserable lout for days? No I did not. I just let my emotions get carried away.

Case in point:

Boys. Girls sometimes do things they think are silly and excessive, and then fear that they have ruined any further chance of a relationship with a particular guy. Such as the drunken email I sent out last weekend. Here I thought that I might have weirded Jon out too much that he was going to never speak to me again. And when I didn't hear from him for a few day, I panicked and thought DAMN!! But really, he was just busy. When we did talk on Wednesday, all was cool, all was fine, all was flirty. (Thank heavens.)

Case in point:

I just said thank heavens.

Now I am full of glee again about Jon. Just cause we talked and flirted. You would think he asked me to move in with him I am so happy.

Case in point:

Serious weirdness going on at work right now. I am jumping to the conclusion that we are all getting laid off. I am analyzing every little thing that the managers are doing as evidence that I am right, and freaking out. (As are some of my co-workers). One of our Accounts Recievable Collectors got let go this morning. Now I am in a tumbling spiral in the thought that we are all next. Not looking at the proper facts of the workload has gone down for our collectors on a regular basis so there is no longer need for two.

I think you see my point, and will clearly agree with me.

Dating Tips for the Undateable

I would like to take a moment and hand out dating tips. Not that I am a dating expert or anything of the sort. But I'm a person with common sense. And common sense goes a long way.

Tip # 1. If you ask someone out on a date, and they make suggestions that you could do it another time, take the hint they don't want to go.

Tip # 2. Just because someone agrees to meet you for coffee (after turning down your invitation to dinner), do not assume they like you in any way other than a platonic aquaintance. They might just be really nice and don't want to hurt your feelings by blatantly saying no.

Tip # 2a. If you are asking out the daughter of a friend of yours, assume that they are only agreeing to meet you because you are a friend of her mother.

Tip # 3. Should you be in coversation with them about their future plans, and your date mentions that they are moving to another city, not back to their hometown where you live, do not express anger. It is creepy. Do not ask in an incredulous voice "Why would you move there!?! I don't like living in the city!" It makes your date feel like you are assuming they would want to move back to their hometown and move in with you. Trust me, your date does not want to do that.

Tip # 4. If you are on a date with someone, and their friend walks in and says "Hey, thought I'd stop by so that we can head over to Dayna's together", which is the reason why your date turned down dinner, due to plans already made for that evening, do not look at the said friend with an expression of annoyance and anger on your face. Again, this is creepy. Additionally, if a date's friend walked in on the date, it was staged. Take the hint your date does not like you.

Those are my tips. I know they are very specific tips, but I feel that you could take these tips and generalize them some to apply to your own life.

Good luck. Don't creep out your dates.

I didn't really send that email, did I?

Ahhh, the wonderous moments when you get home from the bar and think it is a great idea to send an email, is never actually wonderous.


On more than one occassion I have been victim to that shining moment when it all seemed a good idea. Full of giggles and "enlightened thoughts", I have hit the send button, only to wake up with a churning in my belly the next day that has nothing to do with the booze I drank. That feeling of dread when I remember what I wrote to that certain someone. Either spilling forth gushy-girl feelings, or sharing my neurosis of a long distance relationship, I express more than I should.


Perhaps drunk dials are the better choice. Though more disruptive to the receivers' evening (or should I say wee hours of the morning), you never really get to say all those things you have the guts to write down. Meaning, there is less to feel sheepish about.


Either way around it, my laptop should be hidden from me when I go out for nights on the town. And my phone. All items of communication should be shoved under the couch far from sight. Even the tin cans and string. Just in case.