The facts of life have been hitting me hard lately. They have slapped me in the face and stated so clearly "You are a grown up" that there is no denying it.
I have been waffling through life for several years now, accepting my responsibilities but not really taking notice of them. Now I am staking them as my own--taking claim on what is mine and what is expected of me.
And it makes my heart race. Both in panic and in excitement.
During the past few months, I feel like I have shed my 'kid status' skin. And that the decisions I am currently in the midst of--such as quitting my job without having another one lined up, and packing up my life and moving to Toronto--that while on one hand seem irresponsible, on the other hand....make me feel like a grown up. I am taking the steps I want to take, I am taking control of the direction of my future. I have been overcome with some inexplicable self confidence that feels great.
One thing that has opened my eyes is the continual application to jobs. I have revamped my resume so many times now, and sent endless cover letters, that with each revision, I have found a little more value in my work experience each time. When I spell it all out in letters to head hunters, I read it again and think wow....I should be able to get a rather good job with all these things I've done!! I should not be thinking in terms of applying for administrative assistant jobs, I should be aiming higher, I deserve better, I can do better.
And feeling like that, makes me feel less like a kid and more like an adult.
But not everything is coming up roses. There are also negative situations that make me realize I'm not a kid anymore. Having friends who are not only getting married, but having friends who are also getting divorced--or at least, separating. That is a decision that one does not come to lightly. This is a grown up situation, and it's sitting right in front of my face. In fact, it's picketing around in front of me, signs so blatant and large--Deal with the facts, Melissa, you aren't a kid anymore and neither are your friends. So we all have to face life together, taking one stride at a time, and each step is farther away from those youthful days when what mattered most was who liked who, and what you and your bestest were going to do that weekend.
What else screams I am growing up? My new concern over my bank balance, and my sudden urge to get a control over my ill spending habits. About a year and a half ago, maybe two, I suddenly lost track of my good budgeting skills, and haven't managed to find my way back. Summer time never helps either, it's just too easy to spend spend spend in the summer. I have pull back on those reigns.
But alas. I will only look forward, and balance out the good and bad as best I can. I will accept this new found adulthood graciously.